Feeling is Your Birthright
The other night I was lying awake in bed trying to calm down. It was like a tidal wave hit me and suddenly I was feeling 100 emotions at once for no reason, no trigger, other than the fact that I finally had a moment to myself for the first time in a long time. Immediately my brain kicked in and tried to rationalize everything. I HAD to know why I was feeling this way — I needed an explanation. But why?
Why We Deem Ourselves Unworthy
I realized that whenever I feel an emotion I immediately search for the trigger or cause of it. Once I identify that, I instantly start to judge my feelings as either worthy or not worthy. So at my weakest, even at my strongest points, I rationalize and I judge myself. When I’m sad I ask myself why, when I’m angry I ask myself why, when I’m happy, proud, excited, scared — I ask myself why. Does this solve anything? No. And what’s worse is that it doesn’t give me any time or space to actually experience the emotion itself.
If I deem the cause of my feelings unworthy, I deem the emotion itself unworthy and try to push it away. As a result, I deem myself unworthy too. This is something we’re taught to do from childhood. We’re taught when it’s ok to smile and when it’s ok to cry. Sometimes our gender, race, age, or overall personality even qualify this for us. All of this is done to establish norms that keep us in control — because if we can explain the world, then we can control it too.
There’s a Theory for That!
Scholars of social communication call this theory Cognitive Dissonance. Dissonance refers to when we experience an emotion or reaction that is not in line with the norms society has created. The theory is that this dissonance is so uncomfortable for us socially and psychologically that it will motivate us to move towards consonance — or adopting the norms — the ways you are “supposed” to think and feel. Real life example — if you laugh at a funeral when everyone else is crying, that’s awkward for you (plus everyone around you) and you may stifle your chuckles to avoid embarrassment or shame. By moving towards consonance we are all quietly signing a contract not to call anyone out. Displays of dissonance shine the light not only on you but those around you because it reminds us that sometimes emotions can’t be controlled or explained. And that is terrifying.
Feelings Are Magic
I’m guilty of the same pattern. I crave consonance within myself. I desperately want my feelings to have a cause-effect relationship. I need those explanations. Because if I can explain what caused my emotions, I can change it and have control. But what if our emotions can’t be explained? We can’t quantify the unquantifiable. Feelings are actually kind of magical (cue the unicorns). By adjusting our true emotions to fit reality it doesn’t mean they disappear. They’re still there waiting for us to accept them. And when we do, they don’t go away either; instead they become a part of us. They change us. They show us truths about ourselves.
What if…
What if we could just feel without attaching explanations or judgements? What if we stopped trying to talk ourselves down, stopped trying to justify or rationalize? What if we stopped trying to attach answers to a problem that didn’t even need to be solved in the first place? What if we actually just FELT our feelings?
Stop Asking for Permission. Just be Magical Already!
No matter where your emotions come from, they are already valid because of the very fact that they exist. Stop asking yourself for the permission to feel; that’s not something we can give ourselves — we already have it. It’s a birthright. We all come into this world with that ability so why are we spending our entire lives trying to explain ourselves? It’s a lost cause because we are magic. There are things about us you just can’t explain — our creativity, our talents, heck the very fact that humans exist. Stop trying to explain the magic and just BE the magic.
Life Should be a Genuine Conversation!
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